If
by Revhead
Summary: A companion piece to "To Love Dean Winchester", this time from Dean's POV. Dean contemplates what it would mean if he was in love with Castiel.


**If**

If Dean was in love with Castiel – and, for the record, he most certainly was _not _– he would be under no illusions that it was anything other than a terrible idea. An awful, truly _stupid_ idea that would only end in heartbreak and tragedy. Dean wasn't an idiot. He wouldn't be dumb enough to fall in love, period, let alone with his best friend.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, it would mean a human was in love with an angel. It would mean a mortal man, doomed to die long before old age could claim him, was in love with a supernatural being; one who had lived for thousands of years and would live for thousands more if he didn't manage to get himself killed.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would face a crisis of sexual identity, despite claims that angels had no gender. Being an attractive male himself, Dean could recognise a fine specimen when he saw one, but he had never been attracted to a man before (Dr. Sexy didn't count). He was straight. He was supposed to be straight. He liked women. He had sex with women, frequently, and if he was never completely satisfied afterward, well that didn't really mean anything.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would struggle to reconcile the fact that Castiel and his vessel, Jimmy, were separate entities and he would have no clue how to deal with the whole mess of ethical issues that created.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel guilty for being a bad influence on him and for slowly but surely corrupting the angel. He would feel guilty for encouraging the perfect soldier to disobey orders, for pulling Castiel away from his family, for turning Cas against his father, for causing him to lose faith, for asking him to leave the only home he had ever known to protect Dean's. Above all, he would feel guilty for being responsible for the Fall of an angel.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would grieve every time he died. It would destroy him, little by little, piece by piece. He would want to scream and cry and beg for Castiel to come back to him. He would feel lost and hopeless and dead inside until Cas was mysteriously resurrected, and when the angel was taken from him again he would hold out for a miracle because the thought of losing Cas forever was unbearable.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would need Cas like he needed oxygen. He would feel lonely without him there. He would selfishly want to command all of the angel's attention and call him down for the smallest trivialities just so he could see him again.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would worry that Cas could read this thoughts and see into his dreams. His fantasies would run rampant, and he would worry that the angel would be repelled by them, disgusted by him.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would freak out at the thought of 'meeting the parents' – in this case, _God_ – or, if the big man didn't care enough to smite him personally, facing a multitude of protective older brothers instead. There had to be a particularly nasty circle of Hell reserved for a bastard who would defile an Angel of the Lord, and Dean had no doubt that the heavenly host would throw him straight back in the pit if he tried to make a move on one of their own. Worse, and all the more terrifying, was the thought that Castiel himself would react that way.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would stop pushing Cas toward women in bars or dragging him to hooker joints. He might even get jealous if a pretty girl on the street so much as batted her eyelashes at him. He would hate the idea of someone else stealing Cas away, touching him, being his first.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he wouldn't mind bearing the angel's hand print on his arm. For the man who had no home, who did not belong anywhere, it would be too easy to wilfully interpret the scar as a mark of possession. He could believe that finally, at the very least, he belonged to someone.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would read too much into the way Cas looked at him. He would delude himself into thinking that the angel found him interesting, like a puzzle to be solved, or considered him eye candy, like he was God's most handsome creation, or was so entranced by his good looks and sparkling personality that he couldn't look away.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would secretly enjoy the times when Castiel forgot about social etiquette and invaded his personal space. He would savour the scent that was all sunshine, freshly tilled earth and the ocean breeze. He would bask in the energy, the buzz of power, which radiated from the angel. He would steadfastly avoid looking at those perfect lips, knowing that he might lose all self-control if he did. He would notice how Castiel never seemed to accidentally crowd in close to anyone else, and wonder why he was the exception.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel comforted, not creeped out, by the idea of Cas watching over him while he slept. He would know that any night that passed without nightmares could be attributed to the angel's presence, and he would be grateful beyond words even as he wondered how much better he would sleep with Cas lying beside him.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would find himself preoccupied with the loose, backwards tie Castiel always wore. He would have to fight the desire to straighten it, or use it to tug Cas closer, or pull it off completely to gain access to the buttons of his shirt and then use it to… But his thoughts didn't go there. Often.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would want to wax poetical about stunning blue eyes and a jaw chiselled by Michelangelo himself. He would listen to sappy romantic songs and earn strange looks from his brother when he knew enough of the lyrics to sing along.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would have been captivated from the very moment he first laid eyes on him when Castiel had made his grand entrance into that warehouse, framed by bursting light bulbs and scattering bolts of electricity.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would have trusted him inexplicably from the beginning.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would find his cluelessness about humanity hopelessly endearing. He would be willing to show him the ropes of living life on earth and teach him how to interact with humans, but he would secretly hope that the angel would always retain some of his naivety.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he could be accused of deliberately using references Cas wouldn't understand so he could see that adorably confused expression on his face.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would feel a jolt in his stomach whenever he earned the slightest smile.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, the rough timbre of his voice would send shivers down his spine.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he would want to make him proud, to deserve the trust the angel had in him, and he would hate letting him down.

If Dean was in love with Castiel, he wouldn't mind all the innuendo about their relationship. In fact, he would probably feel wistful whenever someone referred to Cas as his boyfriend or suggested that Cas loved him.

But Dean _wasn't_ in love with Castiel.

Or, at least, that is what he tried very hard to tell himself for a very long time.

Until the day he looked deep into the eyes of his angel and saw the same emotions he had buried and denied reflected back at him. Until he was the one who stepped into Castiel's personal space, standing near enough to feel warm breath ghosting across his skin. Until he noticed the angel's gaze drop to his lips and saw his tongue dart out nervously to wet his own. Until Cas spoke his name in a deep, husky voice and slipped a hand around his neck to pull him in tantalisingly closer. Until Dean's fists closed around the lapels of Castiel's trench coat and gave a determined _tug_.

Their lips crashed together in a rush of heat and lust and want and desire and _love._ It was awkward, messy, fumbled and desperate, and it was the best kiss Dean had ever shared with anyone.

It turned out that Dean was an idiot, after all. If he had not been so deep in denial about his feelings and so oblivious to the way Castiel felt about him in return, they could have been doing this a lot sooner.

It was okay, though. They had every intention of making up for lost time.


End file.
